Things I'd Like to See On Television

     I've given up on Hollywood. I mean, if you have to look to video games and comic books to supply you with a plot to a movie, I figure that you're pretty much out of ideas. The latest thing is to rewrite fairy tales to make them more violent. All in all, I'm convinced that Hollywood is breathing its last gasp. Hopefully, someone more imaginative will show up and make some real stories.

     To that end, I have some ideas:

     For an action comedy, I'd like to see Todd Palin show up on Bill Maher's show and kick the ever-loving shit out of him. I don't mean a couple of punches and done; I want to see Bill Maher crawling on the floor, clutching his balls while spitting teeth and vomiting blood. I mean, Maher has taken liberties with Sarah Palin that no husband would be able to tolerate if the perpetrator weren't surrounded by bodyguards. Personally, I think the look on Maher's face when Todd Palin showed up on the set of his show would be worth whatever came next. In any case, I'd give to any Defense Fund that Todd needed.

     For drama, nothing beats C-Span. However, I think that each Senator and Representative should be required to have all of their bank accounts connected directly to the economy, and have money added or subtracted by the same percentage that the economy grows or shrinks. That way they have some "skin" in the game. If the economy expands by 5%, they get a 5% bonus. If the economy takes a dive, so does their wealth. Oh, and an extra percentage point is deducted for every time they get caught in a lie.

     Romance? No problemo. Just follow the love life of S.E.Cupp . When you have that much intellectual horsepower contained in a package that attractive, well, the trail of broken men will be long but interesting. She regularly makes mincemeat of her adversaries on The Cycle, I suspect that she is equally formidable in her personal life.

     All in all, I'd say that those three things would be a good start to improving television and a damned sight better than any reality show.

     Next time: Real stories that would make better movies than Hollywood movies.